Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
