now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
