WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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