Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
