the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
