Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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