Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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