Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
