i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
