if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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