I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
