I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
