Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
