Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
