i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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