Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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