hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
