I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
