I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize