That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
