Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
