I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
