Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
