My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
