So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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