I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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