I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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