i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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