i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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