My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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