You just made me feel so damn special
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
