wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize