Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
