Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Shame is for Republicans.
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