Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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