The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
