he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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