I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
