i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
