im drinking this country out of the recession.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
