dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
