I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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