Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
