I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
