just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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