Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
