a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
