Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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