I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
