I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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