Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
