Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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