If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
