I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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