Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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