on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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