You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize