Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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