yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
