Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
