I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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