I met the friendliest cop last night
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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