I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
