Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize