It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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