I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize