a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize