i permit you to call me
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
