I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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